Comfort Food

i am currently devouring a bowl of mushroom stroganoff atop fresh parsley and garlic pasta.

this is very good.

and very bad for me.

and I'm still eating it, relishing all the comfort and joy that it has to offer my mouth and my nose and my brain. the fullness i will hopefully soon feel.

making up for the fact that my sweetie is working late.

I'm sure i wouldn't have forgotten the fresh spinach had he been arriving soon. and probably there would be a great big hole in the space that the sour cream is taking up.

but c'est la vie.

it is mid January in New England. this is how i am compelled to operate.

i should really leave on vacation this time EVERY year.

it's cold and it's BEEN cold.

it's mostly gray.

there are dumb things like shoveling that take up my time and hurt my body.

i don't feel like leaving my house and being inside of it insists that be committed.

rock.

hard place.

the lame part is that if only my man was coming home to warm me up, i would behave differently.

not just because we could snug, but i receive warmth from his cute face. his messy hairdo. his loose work pants.

don't get me started on his cheeks and eyelashes.

he melts away the frozen coffin that encompasses my joie de vivre.

even if he himself feels taken over.

it's just better together.

a year ago i was in Arizona drinking Green Juice and receiving IV therapy.

My Mommy was taking care of me and wearing a matching leisure suit in solidarity.

Doug was alive and battling a disease that took his life in July.

Seth was getting ready to leave my side and visit Cale in Portland, OR.

Doesn't life look a lot different today.

one GREAT thing is that i don't have a PICC line dangling from my left bicep.

my body is healthier. (except for the stroganoff)

My mom still lives in AZ and is navigating unknown territory.

Doug has passed on.

Seth is working late.

He is also my FIANCE and we OWN A HOUSE!

Thankfully, this use of reflection helps me to remember that life just keeps going and changing and we do too.

Remembering that in times and climates like these can be a challenge for me.

Everything just seems embedded in ice.

not hatefully so, just matter of fact like.

PS. i have been wearing my blue leisure suit for almost a week straight and have almost no intention of ruining that streak.

let's hope for sun and the expedited arrival of Spring.

my skin is literally ACHING for sunlight.

God rest ye, merry gentlemen.

x

a change gonna come

i was just reflecting on my last couple of months and the changes that have occurred in my life and lifestyle.

the small differences that add up to an enormous re-routing of daily intentions.

the one that hit me in the cajones is this stark comparison.

i traded sex

for the home depot.

i used to instate what i fondly referred to as the 'Hump-Olympics'.

This happened most every weekend and was driven by going for the gold, just like the real Olympics.

Currently, I feel like a fallen hero.

a gold medalist who now sits around in sweatpants and 30 extra pounds, eating chips, and watching Entertainment Tonight.

(this is not true. it is also not FAR from the truth.)

My main concerns on the weekend are cleaning (steamy), cooking(hott), and making lists of things to do around the house (orgasmic).

i mean seriously folks, this is NOT me, nor does it 'bring out my eyes' because of it's secure fasten around my neck, like a dreaded turtle neck or....perhaps, noose.

that is to say, it is not becoming. flattering. well suiting.

mostly, i want to have adventures.

i want to wake up whenever and have sex, go have some coffee, play some music, have some sex. take a nap, eat yummy food that makes you fat, have sex, find some friends and have fun doing fun things. and in the end, snuggle into bed and have some more sex.

this is who i was. it is who i am.

it's just not what I'm doing.

this is troublesome to say the least.

mostly because the person i have described as my memory self or Tits McGee the Wonder girl, is fading fast under the piles of scrapeable wallpaper and window insulation kits.

It also happens to be freezing and this makes my entire self, ANGRY.

all sorts of it.

enraged.

irritated.

annoyed.

bored.

it also makes me plain cold.

and then i see things in a cold way and speak like icicles and window frost.

this is not really about sex or having it.

i could have it anytime.

It's the embodiment of it and the freedom of expression that i feel i am lacking and too tired to grasp for. the openness and levity.

my mind (most important sex organ) is muddied with all of this useful and on time information that i personally don't really care about.

i talk to people about this frequently and I've had the experience before.

I'm just rather intolerant of it when it's happening to me.

all i need is to change my perspective.

like maybe look at it all from ...Mexico. or perhaps Greece.

This, too, shall pass.

Warmth will return to my veins and my body will deem the environment safe for procreation.

Until then, i will wear extra layers and listen to more Al Green.

Baby, it's cold outside.

Do you consider it creepy that I'm stalking my own garbage?

today is supposed to be the first day of curbside pick-up and i am thrilled!

However, i have spotted the Waste Management Truck and it did NOT go it's usual route and it DID bypass my house.

hmmmm.

So I'm still watching out the front window shade, that is usually shut for privacy, with a bit of anxiety lingering in my limbs.

in other news.

I was forced to think last night while watching a particularly uninspiring and lamentable band.

I tried to coax my thoughts away from the snide comments trapezing around in my head and focused more on the questions.

Do these SEVEN people think that is IMPORTANT?

Are they invested WHOLLY in the message of the music?

Do they feel that it is an enjoyable EXPERIENCE?

and lastly,

Do they think that the sounds they are producing are any GOOD?

This might seem judgmental. I suppose it might be, but not in the sense that i am in charge of or deciding on a verdict.

It was the kind of thing that made me want to spring forth from my seat and flee the scene.

like i was wasting precious moments of my life that i could never recover.

but...being only moments after arriving, i couldn't really bail so soon. so i/we waited it out. Hoping that the first few bars were just a warm-up.

This was not the case.

And, this was not the worst thing I've ever seen or listened to.

It was mostly just unconscious and unaware.

Masturbation that sounded like room temperature milk or cold toast with greasy butter remnants.

Again, some people might like or even LOVE all of the above mentioned items. If fact they could LONG to have them all TOGETHER and if so, they should have been there last night.

Surprisingly, This group carried quite an entourage.. it looked mostly like proud family members and young impressionable teen sorts.

I had seen lead singer at a show in years past. We may have even played together. He was solo and honestly, much more enjoyable.

perhaps, he was lonely.

This act finally ceased their wailing and the next 3 individuals mounted the stage. The guitarist and bassist looked so much like twins that i asked the question of whether or not they were. the answer was no. they were all very thin with self taught barbering skillz and ill fitting sweaters. Their bodies were wavering and soft and hard at the same time, much like the music that they produced. and although i wasn't going to run up and purchase a recording, it was honest. It all fit together. There were no questions.

They were DEFINITELY lonely.

and this left me at this thought here.

What does it mean to be lonely? Is that what every musician is warbling about?

or maybe, it's just about being alone.

BEING.

ALONE.

which is different than being lonely.

There were stories and longing and blame and the simplicity of being together.

BEINGS.

TOGETHER.

a lover's old sweatshirt, the way your college apartment smelled, the sound of the space between the words of dismantling a relationship.

It made me seek a new perspective on my own authorship and why and how i write lyrics.

It didn't make me feel or think that i was better at it. just different.

I have had this experience on other occasions, where, theoretically i should despise the person singing.

yes.

based on my theories.

a quicker and easier way to arrive at pleasure.

i like this.

i don't like that.

but, something won't allow it.

the other part of the theory.

the trump.

Be honest.

Be Authentic.

Show me what you mean.

Mean what you say.

Even if you are afraid.

Even if you are lonely. Even if you are alone.

Like everybody else.

There is no promise of acceptance here.

Just that of witness.

So now i will express my gratitude for this experience.

Thank you, young men and young lady.

If nothing else, you made me uncomfortable enough to question my own motives and routine.

and i am grateful.

Happy Holidays.

P.S. my trash is still here. :(

Shake it if you got it and you've always got something.

me and early are friends this week.

again, I've had 1/2 of my coffee drink and I'm ready to ramble.

so i saw Burlesque last night.

yes. with Xtina and Cher. Stanley Tucci 'made' the movie (not surprising), but it was much better in most ways than i had expected.

Of course i am a total sucker for:

1. Dancing

2. Sparkling Outfits

3. Music

4. Completely Cheesy Love Stories.

So, i might not be the BEST person to ask.

Anyway, you might not imagine this to be true and i might be more transparent than i realize, BUT watching movies like this one always leaves me sad that i wasn't in the movie. Or that i can't currently execute such moves as these taught young ladies with seamless ease and grace.

i IMAGINE that given time, i would be pretty OK. You can't fake heart and i think that's pretty much ALL I'd have going for me.

This is all in my imagination remember. And it's very expansive.

So.

Where does this leave me.

Destined to just watch others strut what they've got, while i tense my whole body in mimicry?

Or just strut what I'VE got anyway.

Even if what I've got is a tiny ass with narrow hips, a sturdy abdomen, and prepubescent tits?

i think the answer here is YES.

DO IT.

or at least try my hardest.

that's what it's all about.

being my best.

PS. i don't have a problem dancing ...ever, the reluctance comes from the degree of expertise that i feel unable to attain, not the fear of an inability to perform.

this is where MY best comes in.

i guess i should get to yoga class. and quick.

or i could just put on a pair of heels and some liquid liner and see where that gets me.

rule for the day: Strut it. Shake it. It's what it was made for.

morning glow and early rising

oh. good morning.

she says sleepily, although half done with her half cafe chocolate almond milk warm beverage.

i have risen with the sun today.

OK, far well after it, but much earlier than my alarm.

i am thankful for these days where i am bestowed the gift of time. It's usually only the difference of an hour or two, but i get SO MUCH DONE.

I have toyed with the practice of getting up early. setting my alarm for 8 instead of 9.

and.

i press snooze.

every time.

it actually makes me stay in bed longer and i am more tired throughout the day.

For 33 years I've awoken at around 8:30-9 am. It's just the way I'm wired.

so when nature steps in with this delicately wrapped package of space, i gladly take hold and unwrap to see what lies inside.

mostly self-care. sometimes it's all the things that I've been putting off for weeks that get done in 15 minutes.

i am particularly in need of this time right now, so the universe is throwing me a surprise party.

like yesterday when i was headed to work and i was called to hear that my first client had cancelled. this did not come unheralded as she has extreme anxiety and finds showering a insurmountable task.

i turned around and winterized my vehicle. mostly. way more than if i had gone to work.

again, a lovely and unexpected gift.

i have more on my list and i hope to be crossing things off and making room for more progress today.

the items range in degree of importance and urgency, but they are all lumped together.

Leaving it up to me to decide on my capacity level at the moment.

It's all about the small victories. Having 'paint my nails' right next to 'email my ex-husband' takes any emotional charge to a much lower voltage and therefore displaying a seemingly more do-able task.

i have already emailed two Exes, for entirely different reasons. Now i have mostly fun things left on the list, but i guess most things seem that way in relation to forced authenticity and vulnerability.

Those are separate posts all together and they've already been posted.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of these kinds of beasts, i am left cleaning up after them for years after the fact. And i can assure you, if I don't do it, NO ONE ELSE will.

so, i am off to look at the sun and the birds.

and then, i will cross them off of list.

x

am i retired yet?

it feels like i should be sometimes.

more so today because i have already eaten dinner and it's just 6pm.

i am not retired, i am far from it. i actually have no idea how i will ever be.

i think I'd be good at it. just like I'd be really good at being rich.

i am feeling the light change in the way i do most years.

like someone hog tied me and plunged me into ice cold water. but upside down, so my face is up and out of the water, gasping for breath and trying to keep from freezing.

this is somewhat softened when i am under the spell of 5-HTP and Tyrosine, doing their level best to assure me that it's perfectly natural for the sun to go down this early and for my digits to feel the wrath of the increasing cold.

it generally works. usually after i freak out in many different ways and then realize it is just the season. no one. i repeat, NO ONE living in New England makes enough vitamin D for this.

it makes me more aware of needing a hobby that doesn't involve walking anywhere or going outside at all. and yet, my body thinks that after eating dinner before most people get home from work, i should then retreat to the bedroom.

this is where my coveted turquoise velour suit is kept.

if the soft and forgiving legs and arms of this fantastic 2 piece even brush against me, i have been adequately seduced into cozing around my house for the night.

snacking, lounging, perhaps with some Malbec or trance inducing folky lullabies.

all the while, in the back of my noggin, wondering, when is it coming back? the light? the ability to have freedom of movement and ease.

well, we have a while still, folks. and i for one, am keeping vigil for the day when things turn around. December 21st.

so that's it really. i just wanted to spill out a bit of this clamor in my brain.

i hope you are feeling warm and fairly, if not fully, satisfied.

xoxo

Oh Hai there.....

Wow. (she says sarcastically) i managed 5 blogs total for my last stay.

i think i was busy doing other things, like surviving.

For an update on the happenings of that area of my life, i am happy to report that i am idling at a level of 3 times higher than high normal - which is miraculous as a concept for me, given my own history with this struggle. This means it worked. and you helped.

YOU helped ME.

thank you.

i am back at it. on a lower level and without urgency. it feels lovely.

However, this new chapter is not about that. It's about everything. or anything.

this also feels easy and natural and authentic to who i am. more all encompassing and connection driven.

Welcome.

Since we last spoke, MANY things have happened.

in order.

-at the end of my stay in AZ, my Mom almost died. really.

during this brief and emergent time i was the caretaker of my Stepfather. we were allotted these 3 days to arrive at a truce of sorts. an understanding. a 'you are ok with me' moment. we fully and wholeheartedly did this naturally. a gift that i am most thankful for.

-Seth and i embarked on the journey of home ownership! we found it, we saw it, we offered asking price...and we didn't get it. Until we did get it. because the first offer fell through leaving us up to bat as the back up. It was excruciating for me as a being. Voluntarily stepping into a world that i purposely stay quite far from. deadlines, money, fake smiles and concern, and meaningless busy work. In the end it was, of course, worth it. $220,000 worth it. Furthermore it is on Love Lane.

-17 days after closing on the house, i received an expected call from my Mom, letting me know that there was nothing more that anyone could do for Doug and that all treatment for his aggressive lymphoma had ceased. i flew out 3 days later and 15 minutes after i arrived at the house, he passed on. took his last breaths. HE waited for ME. He was wearing his Hawaii shirt, since he'd never been and had always wanted to go. He is now where ever it is that we ascend to and i assure you that we do ascend, i could feel his soul leave his body. We spent the next days doing what you do when people die. Crying and paying money and planning and eating and ...driving 1500 miles with a corpse in a U-Haul trailer? yep. we. did.

Honoring his last wishes we drove up from Arizona to Iowa to lay him down in the state of his birth. It's seriously astonishing that we got there.

We stayed in his family's century farm, with 17 farm cats and an amazing Farm All tractor collection. I ate pork sausage twice a day for 3 days, other meals included beef and cakes.

There were corn and hogs as far as the eye could see. i was a fish out of water.

-on the first of August, i returned home. i don't think I've ever been quite as grateful as the moment i fell into the arms of my sweetie at the gates of Logan Airport that evening. I chattered the entire drive, holding onto him and remembering where i was every so often. Something about him was different, something that people like me can see. We came to our new house that i had spent hardly 3 weeks in. He was VERY excited to show me our newly converted shower, which i aggressively insisted be fixed upon my return. I was shell shocked and disoriented and emotionally husk-like, so none of these proceedings seemed the least bit strange. He put on Richard Buckner and ushered me into the prepared bathroom, which was lit up by candles and covered in rose petals. Still, unfazed, i remarked at it's beauty. He wanted to look at the shower and watch how it worked. after trying the knobs and having no luck, he got in the tub to turn on the water in the back. i was quite concerned that he was going to get wet and warned him of this numerous times. After reaching behind and pulling out a hand towel, he unveiled what had been awaiting us since we'd met, a beautiful engagement ring! he knelt in the bathtub and poured out his heart. I could hear drops of this pouring, but most of it was drowned out by my own mumbles and shrieks. Although unable to take in all of these words because of my then harried state, i made it known that the answer was YES and we went off to sushi to talk about the rest of our lives.

so. there it is in a nutshell.

i felt the need to write this morning so i decided to start back up, but wanted to assure that you knew what you were getting into before i rambled on again about whatever unsuspecting crossed my path.

i hope you are all living fully and lovingly.

i am doing my best.

xo