a change gonna come

i was just reflecting on my last couple of months and the changes that have occurred in my life and lifestyle.

the small differences that add up to an enormous re-routing of daily intentions.

the one that hit me in the cajones is this stark comparison.

i traded sex

for the home depot.

i used to instate what i fondly referred to as the 'Hump-Olympics'.

This happened most every weekend and was driven by going for the gold, just like the real Olympics.

Currently, I feel like a fallen hero.

a gold medalist who now sits around in sweatpants and 30 extra pounds, eating chips, and watching Entertainment Tonight.

(this is not true. it is also not FAR from the truth.)

My main concerns on the weekend are cleaning (steamy), cooking(hott), and making lists of things to do around the house (orgasmic).

i mean seriously folks, this is NOT me, nor does it 'bring out my eyes' because of it's secure fasten around my neck, like a dreaded turtle neck or....perhaps, noose.

that is to say, it is not becoming. flattering. well suiting.

mostly, i want to have adventures.

i want to wake up whenever and have sex, go have some coffee, play some music, have some sex. take a nap, eat yummy food that makes you fat, have sex, find some friends and have fun doing fun things. and in the end, snuggle into bed and have some more sex.

this is who i was. it is who i am.

it's just not what I'm doing.

this is troublesome to say the least.

mostly because the person i have described as my memory self or Tits McGee the Wonder girl, is fading fast under the piles of scrapeable wallpaper and window insulation kits.

It also happens to be freezing and this makes my entire self, ANGRY.

all sorts of it.

enraged.

irritated.

annoyed.

bored.

it also makes me plain cold.

and then i see things in a cold way and speak like icicles and window frost.

this is not really about sex or having it.

i could have it anytime.

It's the embodiment of it and the freedom of expression that i feel i am lacking and too tired to grasp for. the openness and levity.

my mind (most important sex organ) is muddied with all of this useful and on time information that i personally don't really care about.

i talk to people about this frequently and I've had the experience before.

I'm just rather intolerant of it when it's happening to me.

all i need is to change my perspective.

like maybe look at it all from ...Mexico. or perhaps Greece.

This, too, shall pass.

Warmth will return to my veins and my body will deem the environment safe for procreation.

Until then, i will wear extra layers and listen to more Al Green.

Baby, it's cold outside.

Do you consider it creepy that I'm stalking my own garbage?

today is supposed to be the first day of curbside pick-up and i am thrilled!

However, i have spotted the Waste Management Truck and it did NOT go it's usual route and it DID bypass my house.

hmmmm.

So I'm still watching out the front window shade, that is usually shut for privacy, with a bit of anxiety lingering in my limbs.

in other news.

I was forced to think last night while watching a particularly uninspiring and lamentable band.

I tried to coax my thoughts away from the snide comments trapezing around in my head and focused more on the questions.

Do these SEVEN people think that is IMPORTANT?

Are they invested WHOLLY in the message of the music?

Do they feel that it is an enjoyable EXPERIENCE?

and lastly,

Do they think that the sounds they are producing are any GOOD?

This might seem judgmental. I suppose it might be, but not in the sense that i am in charge of or deciding on a verdict.

It was the kind of thing that made me want to spring forth from my seat and flee the scene.

like i was wasting precious moments of my life that i could never recover.

but...being only moments after arriving, i couldn't really bail so soon. so i/we waited it out. Hoping that the first few bars were just a warm-up.

This was not the case.

And, this was not the worst thing I've ever seen or listened to.

It was mostly just unconscious and unaware.

Masturbation that sounded like room temperature milk or cold toast with greasy butter remnants.

Again, some people might like or even LOVE all of the above mentioned items. If fact they could LONG to have them all TOGETHER and if so, they should have been there last night.

Surprisingly, This group carried quite an entourage.. it looked mostly like proud family members and young impressionable teen sorts.

I had seen lead singer at a show in years past. We may have even played together. He was solo and honestly, much more enjoyable.

perhaps, he was lonely.

This act finally ceased their wailing and the next 3 individuals mounted the stage. The guitarist and bassist looked so much like twins that i asked the question of whether or not they were. the answer was no. they were all very thin with self taught barbering skillz and ill fitting sweaters. Their bodies were wavering and soft and hard at the same time, much like the music that they produced. and although i wasn't going to run up and purchase a recording, it was honest. It all fit together. There were no questions.

They were DEFINITELY lonely.

and this left me at this thought here.

What does it mean to be lonely? Is that what every musician is warbling about?

or maybe, it's just about being alone.

BEING.

ALONE.

which is different than being lonely.

There were stories and longing and blame and the simplicity of being together.

BEINGS.

TOGETHER.

a lover's old sweatshirt, the way your college apartment smelled, the sound of the space between the words of dismantling a relationship.

It made me seek a new perspective on my own authorship and why and how i write lyrics.

It didn't make me feel or think that i was better at it. just different.

I have had this experience on other occasions, where, theoretically i should despise the person singing.

yes.

based on my theories.

a quicker and easier way to arrive at pleasure.

i like this.

i don't like that.

but, something won't allow it.

the other part of the theory.

the trump.

Be honest.

Be Authentic.

Show me what you mean.

Mean what you say.

Even if you are afraid.

Even if you are lonely. Even if you are alone.

Like everybody else.

There is no promise of acceptance here.

Just that of witness.

So now i will express my gratitude for this experience.

Thank you, young men and young lady.

If nothing else, you made me uncomfortable enough to question my own motives and routine.

and i am grateful.

Happy Holidays.

P.S. my trash is still here. :(

Shake it if you got it and you've always got something.

me and early are friends this week.

again, I've had 1/2 of my coffee drink and I'm ready to ramble.

so i saw Burlesque last night.

yes. with Xtina and Cher. Stanley Tucci 'made' the movie (not surprising), but it was much better in most ways than i had expected.

Of course i am a total sucker for:

1. Dancing

2. Sparkling Outfits

3. Music

4. Completely Cheesy Love Stories.

So, i might not be the BEST person to ask.

Anyway, you might not imagine this to be true and i might be more transparent than i realize, BUT watching movies like this one always leaves me sad that i wasn't in the movie. Or that i can't currently execute such moves as these taught young ladies with seamless ease and grace.

i IMAGINE that given time, i would be pretty OK. You can't fake heart and i think that's pretty much ALL I'd have going for me.

This is all in my imagination remember. And it's very expansive.

So.

Where does this leave me.

Destined to just watch others strut what they've got, while i tense my whole body in mimicry?

Or just strut what I'VE got anyway.

Even if what I've got is a tiny ass with narrow hips, a sturdy abdomen, and prepubescent tits?

i think the answer here is YES.

DO IT.

or at least try my hardest.

that's what it's all about.

being my best.

PS. i don't have a problem dancing ...ever, the reluctance comes from the degree of expertise that i feel unable to attain, not the fear of an inability to perform.

this is where MY best comes in.

i guess i should get to yoga class. and quick.

or i could just put on a pair of heels and some liquid liner and see where that gets me.

rule for the day: Strut it. Shake it. It's what it was made for.

morning glow and early rising

oh. good morning.

she says sleepily, although half done with her half cafe chocolate almond milk warm beverage.

i have risen with the sun today.

OK, far well after it, but much earlier than my alarm.

i am thankful for these days where i am bestowed the gift of time. It's usually only the difference of an hour or two, but i get SO MUCH DONE.

I have toyed with the practice of getting up early. setting my alarm for 8 instead of 9.

and.

i press snooze.

every time.

it actually makes me stay in bed longer and i am more tired throughout the day.

For 33 years I've awoken at around 8:30-9 am. It's just the way I'm wired.

so when nature steps in with this delicately wrapped package of space, i gladly take hold and unwrap to see what lies inside.

mostly self-care. sometimes it's all the things that I've been putting off for weeks that get done in 15 minutes.

i am particularly in need of this time right now, so the universe is throwing me a surprise party.

like yesterday when i was headed to work and i was called to hear that my first client had cancelled. this did not come unheralded as she has extreme anxiety and finds showering a insurmountable task.

i turned around and winterized my vehicle. mostly. way more than if i had gone to work.

again, a lovely and unexpected gift.

i have more on my list and i hope to be crossing things off and making room for more progress today.

the items range in degree of importance and urgency, but they are all lumped together.

Leaving it up to me to decide on my capacity level at the moment.

It's all about the small victories. Having 'paint my nails' right next to 'email my ex-husband' takes any emotional charge to a much lower voltage and therefore displaying a seemingly more do-able task.

i have already emailed two Exes, for entirely different reasons. Now i have mostly fun things left on the list, but i guess most things seem that way in relation to forced authenticity and vulnerability.

Those are separate posts all together and they've already been posted.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of these kinds of beasts, i am left cleaning up after them for years after the fact. And i can assure you, if I don't do it, NO ONE ELSE will.

so, i am off to look at the sun and the birds.

and then, i will cross them off of list.

x