these dreams

so i had a dream this morning.

it involved a specific kind of space and a faultless women to whom i have assigned, fault.

this was the kind of dream where everything is real, but only for a part of it.

Like a sleeping meditation.

the space was like an ashram or a devotional meeting place.

One might say that those things are one and the same.

In this dream i had a friend who was there as a safety,

someone to make the surroundings inconspicuous.

She lead me closely to the point where i had no choice but to engage with this person,

this casualty of a broken and missed communication.

This person engaged ME first.

Asking if what i did could help her.

She was shy and unsure about connecting to my cold and stone-like glances.

She tried to talk to me about it without crying,

but continually broke into tears explaining her pain and NOT explaining her pain.

She looked INTO my eyes. Sorrowful. Humanly distraught.

and i sat there.

i answered.

i was sarcastic.

i was unhelpful.

i gave in at the end, but only because of the more persistent discomfort of feeling so closed.

NOT to be helpful.

NOT because i cared.

NOT because i wanted to HEAL anything.

I awoke

and was aware

that i need space to empty out this animosity.

so that the love that is quiet

can come back in

can grow and assist

can be EXACTLY what it is meant to be.

effortless.

this is my mission.

create/uncreate

well today started off the same as yesterday.

talking to the dog and preparing my coffee.

yesterday many awful dog things happened.

he got loose from his collar and lead, from sheer fear of construction equipment.

he then was covered in compost. (smart dog )

later he shat in his kennel, which was a first, and clearly not an act of rebellion, but a shameful and happily forgotten event by such a noble creature. (as told by his rigid attachment to the other side of his cage and the soft defeated ears, which matched his gaze)

i thought we had put all this behind us until later last night i entered our bedroom to find him DESTROYING our bed.

he had literally unmade the bed, shredded the bottom sheet and chewed through the tempurpedic mattress topper.

all within 7 minutes.

i mean.

seriously.

destroying.

for NO reason.

Luckily, we now know his reaction to Mommy being extremely and unforgivingly angry.

it was appropriate.

These were my FAVORITE sheets.

Le Telerie Toscane.

i got them on sale about 10 years ago, for $70.

Down from $250.

i just went for the color.

and maybe the opulent luxury.

Whichever it was, and it WAS the color, i have loved them ever since.

they were like new.

The ONLY plus is that these sheets were with me in my first marriage.

Maybe they needed to be destroyed before this true one happening in August.

hint hint: perfect wedding gift, new le telerie toscane sheets.

Also:

today, this morning, i have been feeling creative.

which can really be described better as destructive.

and then i thought,' are they the same? '

i want to mow my lawn, cultivate my garden, weed, clean, scrap off wallpaper.

all with creative energy.

Isn't something always destroyed before created?

aren't they symbiotic?

Isn't it like that every time?

birth.

death.

winter. spring. summer. fall.

canvas.

painting.

hair grows.

hair cut.

flower. fruit. seed. tree.

sheets.

no sheets.

There should be no unwanted judgment. creation doesn't require that.

i think only we require that for some sort of worth weighing game that we play.

i would like to invoke that space where i did not judge and therefore felt no judgement.

that is a place that i found freeing and pleasing.

like clouds passing over a sunlit field.

happy day, boys and girls, babes and elders.

All of you.

xo

i guess there wasn't much to say

Woah.

it's been since February?

i was most definitely not silent that whole time.

i had things to say. maybe not as much as usual.

maybe i was a bit frozen like the ground around me, just like i am a bit rainy like these skies today.

and it's May. Mid May.

and it's freezing.

A lot of things have happened.

We adopted a puppy.

This was a huge life change. One that has led me to believe there is a possibility i will never parent a child, for fear of being sent to a mental ward.

There seems to be a VERY real chance of this.

Not because i can't see beyond the moment.

Not because i don't love my dog, or that i wouldn't die for my child.

It's a conscious life style change and commitment that would decrease some of the necessary time i need for function.

Not optimum function. just function in general.

This decrease would effect all things around me. or at least my perception of them and therefore, my behavior would explode and ooze out without control...having an effect. and not a pleasant one.

It's been eye opening to say the least and majorly draining and of course, lovely and joy bringing.

It gave me insights into how our strengths in some situations can be weaknesses in others.

Like when the abstract creates form or when it does not.

When sex includes love and when love includes sex and when either of those things lie alone.

When discipline is seen as love and not control.

How fear of control leads to pure chaos.

How every person has their own experience of all of these things.

I have had little tolerance for gluttonous atheism these days.

For hip Godlessness along with a disdain for humanity in general.

I feel it more and more.

and if 'God is a concept, by which we measure our pain', then people are in agony.

Scotch is poison. Scotch is warm tradition.

Money is paper. Money is freedom.

Cigarettes will kill you quicker than both of those, but they look cool.

Everything is Everything.

I mean this for myself as well as all of the others to whom it is directed.

My dog is chewing the bone he left on his bed last night.

I think he'd chew it all day if he could.

If i didn't control his environment out of love.

xo

stay dry.

Dying Wishes

i was thinking in the shower, just last week.

i was thinking about our Dying Wishes and what that means.

I find the whole concept interesting.

Are these intentions?

Are these unreached goals?

Are these things we did not have the courage to say in life?

Can we wish something for someone else?

Would our time be better used facilitating changes that we 'wish' to see.

Can we recognize shortcomings and just give a little slack?

Can we add Light instead of point out and listen to Dark.

so anyway.

instead of this, instead of a bucket list, I'd like to strive to accomplish these things while I'm here and alive.

there are some things on my list that would not cause me grief upon death and there are somethings

that would.

Luckily those things that would are simple.

they are just difficult for ME.

Dying Wishes/Bucket List:

I would like to visit Greece. Italy. Spain. More than just visit there i would like to BE there.

I would like to not be afraid of sharks and maybe try surfing.

I would like to dance the Argentine Tango.

I hope for my sweet one that he may realize his true potential and greatness.

I hope to say I Love You more.

I wish for true contentment in my heart and the wellspring of joy to be ever flowing.

I wish my families could be peaceful.

I wish for stillness and no-thing-ness in our minds and mouths.

I wish for soft breezes and fragrant flowers.

I wish for Sun and Sailing.

I wish for awe and majesty at the Mountain Top.

I wish for forgiveness and acceptance for myself and for you.

If there was ever a time you were unsure, I have loved you.

If there is ever a time you are unsteady, I will hold you.

If there is a time that you are hungry, I will feed you.

If you are lonely, I will be with you.

Let's make our wishes our lives.

and by doing so, we will be free to soar at the next leg of this journey.

What are your Dying Wishes?

I'd love to know.

xo

Comfort Food

i am currently devouring a bowl of mushroom stroganoff atop fresh parsley and garlic pasta.

this is very good.

and very bad for me.

and I'm still eating it, relishing all the comfort and joy that it has to offer my mouth and my nose and my brain. the fullness i will hopefully soon feel.

making up for the fact that my sweetie is working late.

I'm sure i wouldn't have forgotten the fresh spinach had he been arriving soon. and probably there would be a great big hole in the space that the sour cream is taking up.

but c'est la vie.

it is mid January in New England. this is how i am compelled to operate.

i should really leave on vacation this time EVERY year.

it's cold and it's BEEN cold.

it's mostly gray.

there are dumb things like shoveling that take up my time and hurt my body.

i don't feel like leaving my house and being inside of it insists that be committed.

rock.

hard place.

the lame part is that if only my man was coming home to warm me up, i would behave differently.

not just because we could snug, but i receive warmth from his cute face. his messy hairdo. his loose work pants.

don't get me started on his cheeks and eyelashes.

he melts away the frozen coffin that encompasses my joie de vivre.

even if he himself feels taken over.

it's just better together.

a year ago i was in Arizona drinking Green Juice and receiving IV therapy.

My Mommy was taking care of me and wearing a matching leisure suit in solidarity.

Doug was alive and battling a disease that took his life in July.

Seth was getting ready to leave my side and visit Cale in Portland, OR.

Doesn't life look a lot different today.

one GREAT thing is that i don't have a PICC line dangling from my left bicep.

my body is healthier. (except for the stroganoff)

My mom still lives in AZ and is navigating unknown territory.

Doug has passed on.

Seth is working late.

He is also my FIANCE and we OWN A HOUSE!

Thankfully, this use of reflection helps me to remember that life just keeps going and changing and we do too.

Remembering that in times and climates like these can be a challenge for me.

Everything just seems embedded in ice.

not hatefully so, just matter of fact like.

PS. i have been wearing my blue leisure suit for almost a week straight and have almost no intention of ruining that streak.

let's hope for sun and the expedited arrival of Spring.

my skin is literally ACHING for sunlight.

God rest ye, merry gentlemen.

x