i guess there wasn't much to say

Woah.

it's been since February?

i was most definitely not silent that whole time.

i had things to say. maybe not as much as usual.

maybe i was a bit frozen like the ground around me, just like i am a bit rainy like these skies today.

and it's May. Mid May.

and it's freezing.

A lot of things have happened.

We adopted a puppy.

This was a huge life change. One that has led me to believe there is a possibility i will never parent a child, for fear of being sent to a mental ward.

There seems to be a VERY real chance of this.

Not because i can't see beyond the moment.

Not because i don't love my dog, or that i wouldn't die for my child.

It's a conscious life style change and commitment that would decrease some of the necessary time i need for function.

Not optimum function. just function in general.

This decrease would effect all things around me. or at least my perception of them and therefore, my behavior would explode and ooze out without control...having an effect. and not a pleasant one.

It's been eye opening to say the least and majorly draining and of course, lovely and joy bringing.

It gave me insights into how our strengths in some situations can be weaknesses in others.

Like when the abstract creates form or when it does not.

When sex includes love and when love includes sex and when either of those things lie alone.

When discipline is seen as love and not control.

How fear of control leads to pure chaos.

How every person has their own experience of all of these things.

I have had little tolerance for gluttonous atheism these days.

For hip Godlessness along with a disdain for humanity in general.

I feel it more and more.

and if 'God is a concept, by which we measure our pain', then people are in agony.

Scotch is poison. Scotch is warm tradition.

Money is paper. Money is freedom.

Cigarettes will kill you quicker than both of those, but they look cool.

Everything is Everything.

I mean this for myself as well as all of the others to whom it is directed.

My dog is chewing the bone he left on his bed last night.

I think he'd chew it all day if he could.

If i didn't control his environment out of love.

xo

stay dry.